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Archive for July 19th, 2010

Day seven and the sickness has passed, only to be taken over by Insomnia. I woke yesterday morning at 7 am and have not slept since. I am watching movie after movie but sleep will not come.

The sickness was bad, very bad, so bad I have refused to have any more treatment. I cannot and will not put myself through this.

My latest thoughts, maybe chemo induced , have sent Stephan into a tailspin. Yesterday, Stephan spent the morning looking for a dealer to buy marijuana….ALL medication I have been prescribed over the week-end has not worked to stop the wretching, my chest ,stomach and throat are raw, it hurts to swallow.

I have never been a smoker and have no idea how to inhale, if this fails Stephan will bake it in a pie…one way or another he has told me I will go to my next chemo session, even if he has to drag my there by the hair, he may have a job because according to MYOCET, I will be bald by then.

Marijuana he has promised me will stop the sickness and I am thinking about it..BUT only thinking.

I then think of my new friend and supporter , her name, Sonja she is one gutsy lady and puts me in the shade and makes me feel ashamed of my weakness to not fight when all this lady does is fight, fight and then fight some more.

Sonja is a member of ”Blog for a Cure”

I asked permission to use her post to show what a BITCH chemo is and what an amazing lady Sonja and her sense of humour have come to mean to me.

Sonja explains her side effects from Chemo, no doctor will ever tell you this is REALLY how it is BUT Sonja will.

Chemo is one powerful bitch!

The following is not a list of complaints. My posts, along with my journal are documenting my “journey” so I want to throw down some of the newer chemo side-effects for personal posterity. Won’t be fun reading but you’re welcome to it.

*Mouth taste: it’s as if I haven’t brushed my teeth in weeks – kind of furry, swollen, slippery; no amount of brushing changes it. Kiss me baby.

*Sores from the inside out: my hands, feet, mouth, nose, esophagus, rectum have sores that I can feel on the inside but mostly can’t see on the outside. For example, trying to bend my thumbs makes the palm-side joint feel like it’s going to rip open.

*Hair: loss of hair, lashes, brows is not a just a self-image issue. No nose hair means constant nasal drip, nose sores and unprotected respiratory; few lashes brings a lovely pea tinted goop that seals eyes shut at night and sometimes when blinking (No! Mr. I’m not winking at you, my eye’s stuck shut) – this eye goop comes from external crap landing and swelling in normal eye liquid and from “chemo trash” (my doctor’s words) trying to wash it’s way out of the eye; hair stubble is painful as it picks & sticks to, and rubs the wrong way on, a pillow for 10 to 15 hours – grrrr; pubic hair loss is shocking as purple tinted skin appears; leg, armpit & nipple hair loss has no down side, I’m going to Italy on the money I save not buying razors!

*Energy swings: Remember Lucy from Charlie Brown? She always pulled the football out from under poor Charlie just as he was feeling his most confident and able. I wanted to scream “that’s not fair!” Well, It’s like that when I’m confident enough to gently “work” a couple hours in my garden or cook dinner or defend myself against roving dog-hair-balls. I feel good and believe my body is benefitting from the exercise but what it really does is stir up all the chemicals and lands me on my back for recovery time. That’s NOT fair!

*Anxiety: OMG! Out of the blue anxiety, the likes of which PMS would die to have in its arsenal, sneaks up from behind and makes you want to jump out of your skin! Probably my most disparate cancer/chemo moment was an anxiety attack fueled by Compazine. It felt life threatening.

*Tears: like anxiety, tears are part of the game whether you feel like having them or not. Let-em flow, it’s good for sticky eye syndrome. There may be times when crying is a response to feeling and then there are the chemo tears; all good for pity’s sake. These tears are different from the constant eye “tearing” (see eye pea-goop above).

*Chemo brain: born a dyslexic, shinny-thing syndrome blonde I’m used to occasional brain failure but utter meltdown is noticeable. If there’s “chemo trash” flushing through the eyes, internal sores and the rest, what’s that poor swollen itching brain going through? I use the buddy system whenever leaving the house. Doc says forgetaboutit; things will return to normal a few weeks after chemo if complete.

*Weight changes: who cares! I’m already bald, sticky, scabby, crying and psychotic, who’s going to notice the weight?

*Blurred vision: possibly a blessing.

*Scent: maybe I stink too – do I stink?

I’m just sayin’ there’s hugs and kisses in that candy bowl, grap yourself a few fistsful. Sonja

P S GOOD NEWS! FRIDAY’S ULTRASOUND SHOWS A 50% TUMOR REDUCTION. ATTAGIRL!

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