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Archive for July 13th, 2010

The shock is over , there are no more tears, the battle has begun. It would appear I did not ‘Kick Arse’ enough the first time , so will have to try a little harder.

The cancer, is still breast cancer but in the Peritoneo..it is NOT Cancer of the Peritoneo, I have been told it is very important I understand this. However, it is adavnced grade IV

It seems the cancer never went away, but was hanging around on a street corner in my body, waiting to pounce. The problem goes back to the fact after my second round of surgery ,I only had five sessions…I should have had three more ,but Oncology were afraid ,if the chemo burnt my colon again I would be in serious trouble.

I have already been opened twice in the same area and my stomach is like a washboard…even when I lean forward my stomach stays flat…I look as though I have had a tummy tuck. Stephan ,often mentions women would pay a fortune for my stomach, I look like I have a six pack without even trying.

This morning, as I entered Oncology I was greeted by nurses who said how nice it was to see me again but would have liked to see me again under more pleasant circumstances. I had not cried since Sunday and their kind words brought tears to my eyes, I brushed them away and smiled, smiling is something I have not done much of lately.

I had a choice, would I like a chair which stretches out like a bed ,or would I like a hospital bed, I chose a bed as I thought I could maybe get some sleep.

I stretched out on white crisp sheets and waited for the nurse, she was young and pretty as she arrived with my ‘cocktail’ of treatment ,I explained my veins were hard to find and asked her if she was good with my problem, she said she was…Famous last words…the needle went in and she said she thought she had the vein…tried saline, to see if she was correct and the pain as the liquid blew my arm up into the size of a tennis ball…she ran for help leaving the needle stuck in my arm.

Stephan, looking at me from the door with sweat pouring down his face, I said ‘What are you sweating about ,its me with the needle stuck in my arm?. ‘You know I can’t stand needles Dan’ he said. I smiled.

The young nurse returned with a mature nurse, once again an attempt was made ,but now in the other arm, the other needle still in place ,they tried again…no..no luck , I now had two needles sticking out from my arms while they tried again…third time lucky , they had found the vein.

Treatment could begin, Stephan returned, pulled up a chair and started to massage my feet. Chemo forgotten, I was in heaven.

The nurses in Oncology are angels and they try to make our stay there a happy one. My machine, which was feeding me the chemo, started to bleep and the nurse came in to see what was wrong…her entrance and seeing Stephan massaging my scarlet painted toe nailed feet reminded her of a joke. Nurses and doctors are full of stories about patients and the comical things that happen..she swears this is true but I have my doubts…anyway she sat on my bed and this is what she said.

JOKE

When the husband finally died his wife put the usual death notice in the paper, but added that he died of gonorrhoea.
No sooner were the papers delivered when a friend of the family phoned and complained bitterly, ‘You know very well that he died of diarrhoea, not gonorrhoea.’ Replied the widow, ‘I nursed him night and day so of course I know he died of diarrhoea, but I thought it would be better for posterity to remember him as a great lover rather than the big shit he always was.’

I am still a litte bemused as to why Stephan massaging my feet would remind her of a shitty husband…but did not like to ask for fear of her response.

The morning continued with banter and jokes and I was laughing, Stephan said it was good to hear me laugh.

I have decide not to cry and not to feel sad , not even to feel anger, but to fight and I shall fight to win.

And if I lose, I know I will have given myself the best chance possible because I have the best husband and friends a woman could ever wish for and they are ALL beside me standing in the RED corner. Cancer, standing in the BLUE corner, all alone ,with an audience who hate him.

I am in a lot of pain this afternoon and for the moment refuse to take pain killers…I want to enjoy this pain, because I like to believe this is the chemo doing its job and ‘Kicking Arse’

And like Patrick Swayze, and his words from GHOST…I KNOW I will be taking the LOVE with me.

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